Sky is over
by iloome
Summary: Steve doesn't remember, and it's Tony's fault, and Tony, being who he is, doesn't quite deal with this in a healthy way. Set post New Avengers #3, spoilerish up to Infinity #1


**Warnings**: nothing graphic, but it's dub con of the "Steve's after the mindwipe" variety. Spoilerish up to Infinity #1.  
**A/N**: I blame this fic on the "be safe, Steve" line that I'm still not over and on the fact that I needed a break from writing my BB fic.

Big thanks to rainbowdowneyjr for beta reading!

* * *

The room is dimly lit, which Tony thinks is rather appropriate. Steve has the stubborn set to his jaw, and Tony knows he won't ever back off. Neither of them has ever learnt how to do so.

"I'm sorry," he says, but it doesn't mean anything, it doesn't stop him from anything. "I'll find some way to make this right," he says - lies, because how can he ever make it right?

Steve looks at him, understanding dawning on his face, betrayal in his eyes, and he looks so terribly lost. Tony feels he can't keep eye contact with him, except he has to. He can't avert his eyes; he owes it to Steve to at least see what he does to him. To remember every detail, for both of them. Steve shakes his head as if he can't quite believe, asks, "what?", and Tony can't do it anymore.

"Do it, Stephen," he orders quietly and pretends his heart doesn't break as Steve's eyes harden in the last moment before he falls down.

* * *

He shows Steve plans for the Avengers world, and Steve smiles at him, happy and trusting and already excited for the future. He looks tired, worn out by the lack of sleep, but his eyes are clear as ever and full of warmth Tony doesn't deserve.

Tony closes his fist over the console so tightly he's briefly afraid it'll crack. Steve raises his eyebrows.

"Tony?"

Tony shakes his head, looks up and forces himself to smile. Steve is so fucking beautiful, pure, and he shouldn't worry about Tony; he'd looked so surprised, angry and sad in equal measures in the Wakandan city of death...

Tony stands up, walks to Steve in a few long strides, fists his hand in his t-shirt, and kisses him. Steve's surprised again, but in a good way. He laughs, amazed, and kisses him back - if he knew, he'd never kiss him back; punch him, maybe, or maybe not even touch him at all, too disgusted - Tony breaks the kiss, runs his hands up Steve's body, under his t-shirt and down again. He backs him up against the nearest wall with a few steady movements and sinks to his knees in front of him.

"Tony," Steve says, his voice tight. Tony presses his forehead against his belly to hide tears showing in his eyes, then he moves down and opens his pants. Steve tangles a hand in his hair and he's shaking.

* * *

Days pass, incursions happen and the Illuminati stop them, the Avengers come together, Tony goes to sleep next to Steve and wakes up next to him. More often than not he has to shake Steve awake from nightmares in the middle of the night, and then battles the urge to drink himself into oblivion.

One day Steve whispers "I love you" against his skin and Tony trembles, wanting to say the words back, but not doing so; it's been the constant of his life pretty much since the day they found Steve in the ice, but it hasn't changed anything, not one thing, hasn't stopped him from betraying him, from fighting a war against him, not from wiping his mind. And Tony knows, knows he was right, that Steve's option would only get them all killed, but what will it matter in the end? Steve will never forgive him once he finds out. Tony hasn't got the right to reply, so he kisses Steve, though he doesn't have the right to this either, and doesn't look him in the eyes. Steve doesn't notice, or pretends not to.

They wake up hours later, and Tony breaks down, starts crying and shakes off Steve's hands.

"I can't do it anymore, I can't, I'm sorry Steve, I -" he stops. "I need a break, I can't, Steve -"

Steve puts a finger to his lips.

"Was it something I did?" he asks, quietly, and it's so absurd Tony wants to laugh. "You know I won't - I don't expect more from you, I - Tony. Tell me."

Tony shakes his head, moves away. "I need a break," he whispers again. "I'm sorry."

He moves to stand up and Steve doesn't stop him, watches him gather his clothes with sad eyes and a heartbroken expression, and Tony should never have kissed him in the first place.

* * *

He finishes the best A.I. he's ever programmed, discusses the incursions with Reed and throws a farewell party, and then he's flying into space, wishing to have the trip clear his mind and maybe give him some ideas on what the hell is happening to the universe.

His childhood Star Trek-based dreams come true. Tony helps save the galaxy a few times, but none of them matter, not really (Reed calls, and there was an incursion; they put a bomb on the alternative Earth and watched it burn. Steve still doesn't know); he goes to Voldi and meets 451. His world gets turned upside down. He kills an entire planet because he can't control an alien armour and desperately wishes Steve would be there to stop him somehow. In the end, he doesn't learn anything about either himself or the galaxy and comes back, shaken and unsure of anything anymore.

Steve greets him a few days after he's returned. It's wrong, Tony knows it perfectly well, and yet he hugs him tight and doesn't let go.

"I missed you," Steve murmurs against his neck.

"You too," Tony answers and presses his lips to Steve's ear, cheek, lips.

* * *

The universe itself is hurting and Steve doesn't know the extent of it, but what he knows is enough. He plans with Tony for the worst and they discuss strategies, look over the team's roster and wonder which other heroes can help in space. They have a shouting match over Steve going to lead the Avengers into space and end up having sex against the wall in the same room Tony first kissed Steve. Then they lie down on the hard floor there, fully aware anyone could come in at any moment and not caring at all.

"I have to go, Tony," Steve says quietly.

"I know." It doesn't make it any easier. "I want to come with you."

"You can't," Steve replies. "Someone has to stay and protect the Earth. I trust you more than anyone else." There's just honesty and a little bit of sadness in his voice, and Tony can't breathe for a moment. He wants to deny, wants to tell Steve exactly how much he shouldn't trust him, and instead just nuzzles closer to him. He doesn't say, 'come back'. He's too afraid of the answer.

* * *

It should be him going with the Avengers, to his death. It should be Steve staying on Earth with a chance to live.

Everything is the exact opposite of what it should be and Steve kisses him good-bye before climbing into a jet next to Carol.

Tony lowers his faceplate and is immensely grateful that no one can see his expression.

"Prepare for the worst," Steve tells him, and Tony blinks furiously. _Wait_, he thinks. _I'm sorry. I love you. Stay._

"Be safe, Steve," he replies, because he can't say anything else.


End file.
